Saturday, June 24, 2006

phoneticallistic

Being in Tsfat has led to the emergence of my inner poet. After having brief flashes of genius (see previous posts) I have decided to full-time it.

Blundstones have been bought by all
Leading to dry land and stones of gall

Of stark rock and blue lime
Gleams of rays of suns and moons

ok i give up

being a bit behind in letting peeps know whats going on i shall starteth now. we have sticky notes on our computer. which happens to be a mac. for all those not yet in the know apple is the way to go. (see i really am a poet.) and yes my wife and i bought matching blundstones. we're so cute. my step sis and cousin got married (not to eachother). my nails are longish and i shoudl cut them but i have to wait till thursday so i could remember not to cut them. its complicated. even after aa year of semicha i still cant remember if its wed or thurs. i would like a large pastrami burger. with onions mayo lettuce tomatoes ketchup mustard. i mworking on this website and its taking way too long and now that i see how hard it is i shoul have spent more time laerning databases and dynamic page building. nunu. netvision sends beer openers like every few months. we got three. theyre cute. not like pinch cheek cute. this is boring. no wonder havent done it in so long. peace out. there are strange folks in this part of town. F12.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Kobe and Israel

warning: this isn't very funny

according to those who care enough to find out, united states democratic presidents on average are 20 iq points smarter than their republican counterparts. (that stat was actually taken from the books the presidents have written and their vocab. i think it was pretty much even until the bushs came along.) this was being brought as a proof that democrats would do a better job presidenting or senitoring. taken to it's logical conclusion, israel should be the best run country in the world. which is quite obviously not the case.

(omgd a paragraph!) kobe bryant is a basketball players on the los angeles lakers. he is also one of the most hated athletes in the world. his fall from grace started with a rape accusation which evolved into an admittance of adultery. ouch. team and coach problems only added on. for the past few years he has been trying to reshape his image, only to have every try trashed as selfishness or some other obnoxious trait. this year he gave up. screw the world. what now? kobe is on one of the craziest scoring streaks ever seen on this side of chamberlain. a week or so he scored 81 points in a game. for those not in the know, that is a lot. second most in history to be exact. the most being scored some forty odd years ago. is he any more liked? nah. in fact many peeps complain "anyone can do it if they shoot so much". right. does he care? nah.

Israel is so used to kissing up to the world that their lips got stuck. can't stop kissing. they can't even see that the world isn't even there to be kissed. like a stoned lawyer signing every damn line he sees. the dude got killed signing the frikkin' highway. what's wrong with this place?

give it up man. live your own life. eat your own food. dream your own dreams. sing your own songs. write your own blogs

p.s. its sorcerers, not horses

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

did you know....
that the point of an analogy is to analogise the analogue?
what an edifice is?
how tall fourteen is?
what scuba stands for?
how about html?
that king shlomo could climb three thousand steps up the unlimited ladder of analogies?
that my new computer is already outdated?
that 37 ergs equals 8.8372982E-10 kilogram calories?
that motzei shabbos has the highest freiing out rate?
that my title doesn't apply grammaticaly to all my sentences?
that i am on a 658 day long ski draught?
how far is left?
that there are 3,155,760,000 milliseconds in a year (usually)?
that it costs 2,100 dollars just for the paper to make 400 serigraphs (high quality art reproductions)?
that i don't get many comments these days?
that i'm working on my masters in metaphysics and a bachelors in web design?
that i'm tired?
that my wife makes the best salads in the whole world (including the wide web)?
that we didn't start the fire, it was always burning since the world beens turning (even though it doesn't)?
that i love Hashem?

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

who is rich? he who is satisfied with a lot. have you ever watched star wars? really? well neither have i. but maybe you remember the bar scene in the first movie? the real first one (i.e. the old first one)? well the scene starts with the camera paning (panning?) around the bar. and there are the weirdest creatures zapping and biting and drinking and looking and singing (at least i think that's what they're doing). that's what the tzemach tzedek shul feels like on your average shabbos morning (lubavitch morning). sometimes fun. sometimes annoying, depending on how tired you are. and im pretty tired right now. more tired than pretty. im tired of writing biographies of artists. im tired of looking at paintings. im tired of running after artists. im tired of emailing kinkos. im tired of complaining. im tired of being tired (of being tired). my wife is a tzadeikis. im still working on the beinoni. its tough. tiring (see above). mind consuming. money consuming. money. how annoying it is. how small and insignificant, yet so mind and time consuming. the myim rabim that we learn all about in torah or and later chassidus. it always seemed so, like, abstract and almost beneath me. now it is right here on top of my head. even though you know that all we have to do is make a keili. still. it's just on my mind. always. besids when im learning or teaching. so im making a deal. here goes. i will spend 3 hours a day working. that's it. any time i feel it's not enough and i should be doing more to make money i will either learn more or give another shiur. that is an ultimatum. i do my part, you do yours. see you soon.

Saturday, December 31, 2005

PRESS RELEASE!!!

extra extra, come one come all, weeee are announcing the grrrrand opening of the (pronounced thee) biggest, the (see above) best, the greatest most marvelous extravagant extravagance in the turbulent history of this blog-state of defficiality. (lower voice by half) ever since the inaugaration of this blog many have been thinking, pondering in fact some were downright suspicious of my intentions. well here they are (drum roll clang clash). weeeee (read as spelled) are bringing moshiach. thats right folks, as strange and unassuming as it sounds, it is the (pronounced the) essence of soul-tearing, tear-jerking, jerk-chucking encapsulated truth. now, you may be thinking, how can this garbage/blog (thank you dubi (who happens to be the next-door-neighbors dog. problem is, the next-door-neighbor moved, but the dog didn't, and now i don't know exactly how to define my connection with dubi, who is still my next door neighbor but he doesn't belong to my next door neighbors...) bring moshiach? so deep so deep, so pure so pure...strum strum open up your hearts open your ears strum strum close your eyes and listen strum strum (you shouldn't have seen that "strum strum") moshiach is all about showing how the world is one, is hashem strum strum about knowing strum strum sbout caring strum strum. (for notes and chords please email me.) did you ever know did you ever know strum strum (ok thats all, i cant write evry time i strum, its hard. by the time i get back to writing i already stopped strumming. every pause just insert "strum strum" strum strum) that i just started selling art on ebay. why, you ask, heres why: tzfat is full of artists. full. with great great art. and they rely exclusively on american tourists. so here comes i and offer to sell their art for them on ebay to get it out to the world. will it work? well that's up to Hashem. you see, our sustenance, as jews, comes from the yud-kay-vov-kay name of Hashem. which is higher than nature. all we have to do is make a vessel to bring down Hashem's spiritual blessing into physical money. the way vessels go, i see ebay as a huge one. so now that i got my vessel making out of the way, i could devote the rest of my time to putting together this yeshiva we're trying to start which makes the ebay as a vessel to help the yeshiva which will bring moshiach. and, getting back to the point, being that im pitching on my blog, my garbage/blog is also joining the crew as a moshiach bringer, which pulls in blogger.com and the whole www while its at it. good job. strum strum.

ps to see my art and even buy some if you so wish please check my links on the side
pps please Hashem, im putting a lot more art on in the coming weeks check back often and spread the word!!
ppps im selling some awesome stuff (it really is), report back with any comments or complaints or yellow stickers for estees gan

Saturday, December 17, 2005

you know, stuff

emotion overwhelming joy with tears. if anyone knows where the commas go, please enlighten me. life near fruitcake square is great. just great. for those not yet in the know, fruitcake square is the main square in the old city of tzfat (tzfas, safed, tsfat). previously known as "the kikar" or "kikar hamagninim". circumstance has proved reason enough for change of name. our cute little stone cottage lies two houses in. 10 tarpat is the address for all those late-present-senders. this place is gorgeous. drop dead gorgeous. the people are quite interesting. quite is the operative word. ebay is going to make a fortune off me. good for them. order. flipflops. street rat. i don't buy that. HOWZAAATTTTT. elongated circles. teeth marks. german marks. fleas. snow. ski. how does life always get to skiing? it's like a never ending circle heading straight in two directions. why are all erev-shabbos-arizal-mikvah-goers so corny. "it's so cooolllddd" no crust, sherlock. "did you leave water for me?" no dork, i bottled it and am selling it on ebay. "the waters wet" umm, i can't find an answer proportionately smart for that one. i have to take out the garbage. dubi, the neighbors dog, is greatly involved in some soul-searching. and he's doing it with his snout lodged in our garbage. should we charge? life gets a lot simpler over here. israel, during the week, is like shabbos in chutz la'aretz (does in chutz la'aretz make sense?), and tzfat, said the frierdike rebbe is, during the week , like shabbos in the rest of israel. how hot is that. the baal shem tov said that when you see water you should say that the baal shem tov said that when you see water you should say that the baal shem tov said you should say that the baal shem tov said water is a siman brocha. i.e. water is a siman brocha. that's what the baal shem tov said. he really did. he said it like six times. i'm an artist. i express myself in ways no one can appreciate and i have an excuse for it. i'm an artist. and so is every other freaking person here. literally. i.e. freaking is an adjective used in its proper form. every other freak is an artist. not every other person. half the people are freaks and half of those are artists. that doesn't mean that only a quarter of the population here are artists. many of the non-freaks are also artists. aproximately two ninths of them. thats fifteen artists out of every thirty six people. so if jane was born before fred and after george. and george was taller than jane but shorter than bartholomew. that makes the average artist how old? A. fourteen. B. twenty seven. C. five. D. all of the above. E. not enough information given. good. very good. your smart. your smart enough to buy art on ebay. and judaica. wink wink. that was a blink. one wink equals half a blink. a whole blink could fly with two winks. do blinks lay eggs or are they mammals? maybe they're like platypuses (which, for those not as smart as me, are a semiaquatic egg-laying mammal that frequents lakes and streams in eastern australia. and their spurs are venomous.). but maybe not. maybe, by definition, means maybe not. the "by definition" in the previous sentence juxtaposed to "means" was extraneous. so says artscroll. "The Power of Kabbalah is the ultimate route to the Light. A true lifestyle revelation in the quest for the Holy Grail." - Sir Laurence Gardner, Historian. that was from the praises of the kabbalah centers new book. right. did you ever look up in the arizals mikvah (lehavdil elef etc. havdalos)? don't.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

hello everyone and welcome to my post. if you are still single, get a wife. if you are a large overgrown freak add a life to the bill. to all others: hi. being that i (read we) am on my way to the mystical stoned city of Safed, Tzfat, Tzfas or any other name you may wish to call my new abode i would like to have a farewell dinner. for all those interested in sponsoring please let me know. i'd like to thank previous sponsors: big overgrown afore-mentioned freak and his cute sidekick Gedaliah. any other sponsors will too merit mention on my holy blog of life. also i'd like send wishes if sorrow and grief to another dear friend, who hasn't yet taken us out, on his loss of his teeth, may the floss gods be with you and i'll see you in israel..
for all you computer savvy nerds/geeks (i'm not sure which one is more appropiate): we are looking to buy a computer. and we have set our four eyes on the imac g5. however we could get it for a lot less moolah if we buy a "apple certified factory refurbished" one. does anyone know what the quality of those are. do they last? are they mean? do they smell? etc. please help me help others with your deeply desired brain power (and habad).
i'm eating soy stir fry and its darn good (i wanted to say damn but there may be children reading this. message to all children: STAY OFF THE INTERNET, you're too young) now i'm off to some lasagne and coffee. then it's on to figuring out how to reduce 350 pounds to 280 and 6 suitcases into 4. and my wife is making brownies (duncan hines) and it smells darn good (see above). abercrombie says hi and so does fitch.
corny line of the day: happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length (back of cereal box, ha'omer dover b'sheim...)
every day is corny day in machaneh gan yisroel (pronounced yisroiel)
here is the comp i want... http://store.apple.com/1-800-MY-APPLE/WebObjects/AppleStore.woa/71802/wo/qZ1h6n4z5E8W37P40NS1a0UTJq9/1.0.0.19.1.0.8.7.3.5.1.1.14.1.5.1.1.5.0
thanks for looking and come back again. thank you for shopping at walmart. we hope you enjoyed your flight on... ok i'll stop now.

Monday, October 31, 2005

i got married yesterday. holy. freaking. moly.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

i'm getting married tomorrow. holy - freakin - moly.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

closing time


driving is so relaxing. where is nostalgia? what is nostalgia? coming off the 405 south, you hit springdale. i live one block over, on edwards. ergo i decided to cut through the hebrew academy. instead of just driving by, i pull in. turn off my lights. turn off the motor and get out (don't have to lock, it's huntington). am i stuck in the past? should i forget about camp? move on? the feeling i'm supposed to be getting at the kotel, i'm getting at the campgrounds. serenity. sorrow. joy. excitement. peace. it's almost as if the place is holy. what is wrong with me? in most neo-quasi-meditations they have you find a "place of serenity" a sort of island that you could close your eyes and drift off to. that place was always camp (albeit after the kids leave, just sitting on the grass before the sprinklers attack me). should i drop it, find a new place? camp's over. physically and figuratively. i'm too old. i'm off to new horizons. do i hold on to my old ones? or do i store them with my school memories, gathering dust in my attic? weird. i'm almost scared to go during the day. it's like keeping a place in your mind over the years, returning to find everythings changed. almost as if these greenhorns are stomping over my hallowed ground. weird. i feel like i'm part of a soap opera. everyone has their own life. everyone has moved on. have i?